steppenwolf

chi poteva mai immaginare che avrei avuto bisogno di ritrovare questo blog e rscoprire tanta saggezza nelle pagine. E’ proprio vero che si è grati quando si ritrovano pezzi sparsi di noi tra i mesi e gli anni.

Ricordo a gennaio del 2015 di aver scritto questa frase e di averci pienamente creduto. Mi ero liberata di un peso durato 9 anni e stavo davvero bene. Era quello il punto. Mi sentivo finalmente invincibile.

Spero di recuperare presto le forze, ripartire da qui. Un giorno…

“La solitudine è indipendenza: l’avevo desiderata e me l’ero conquistata in tanti anni. Era fredda, questo sì, ma era anche silenziosa, meravigliosamente silenziosa e grande come lo spazio freddo e silente nel quale girano gli astri”.

“Solitude is independence. It had been my wish and with the years I had attained it. It was cold. Oh, cold enough! But it was also still, wonderfully still and vast like the cold stillness of space in which the stars revolve.”

(Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf)
(Herman Hesse, Il lupo della steppa)

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Una Risposta to “steppenwolf”

  1. My Darling,

    Most days I am ok. I keep putting one foot in front to the other and do what needs to be done in a joyful way. I am not unhappy. To the contrary, my happiness simply is. I can depend on it like an old friend that reminds me that even though I have some heart ache here and there, my life is good. It is true. My life is good.

    Some days, I wake up thinking of you. Early in the morning when the sun is just peaking out. When the rest of the world sleeps, you pop in unexpectedly. At first in my half awake state, you feel like an old friend who has come to say hello like an old favorite book I read when I want comfort and familiarity. I open the book, the book of you, and for a moment the sweetness that I once felt with you rushes in. I can feel you. I can feel the ease we had with one another. I see you looking at me and smiling, happy. I can feel the no work of it. I feel how the comfort of knowing that you and I could never end. That was before the clinging time came. Then there was no worry, no doubt. We were free to be.

    The sun is getting higher in the sky and my alarm is reminding me it is 5:30am, time to get up. My thoughts come more into this day. Coming into this day means living in reality. And slowly my consciousness comes to the chapter of now. For me now, you live only in this book. Some chapters are filled with great joy, some with great pain. Some I wish I could rewrite.

    The chapter I want most to rewrite is the one I call “Revelation”. It takes place the last day we were together in November. It was Sunday. We both knew that even though the week had been difficult, this was our last day together. When we would see each other gain was many months away. We drove into town to have lunch, parking far out and walking thru the streets side by side to the center. Both of us pretending. It was cold that day. We went to a little place where we hoped it would be warm. I can see you in my mind’s eye right now. We were sitting at the corner table in the front window. You were wearing a light colored shirt with your blue sweater pulled over it. You know, the one with the zipper at the neck and the collar that stands up. I remember thinking how handsome you looked to me sitting there. You were smiling and teasing me as usual about some silly thing. I remember looking at you and feeling the full force of my love for you. It came over me like a great wave of energy, warm and tingling. And in the same moment, with the same force, I realized that you could not and did not feel the same way about me, and there was nothing I could ever do to change that. Revelation. It is a terrible thing.

    Nothing has been the same since that moment. The reasons do not matter. What is, simply is.

    The sun is up above the horizon now. I am fully in my day. Some of the sadness lingers but I have work to do and e-mail to write. My editor is warning me I have a column that needs to post…. ….Life moves on.

    I close the book for now. Put it back on the shelf to keep it safe, to keep my memory of you safe. I am not ready to give it up. Outwardly I am smiling to the world. Inside, once again I feel the heaviness of saying good bye; the pierce of my heart, the pain in my body, the empty pit of my stomach, all these remind me that no matter what I tell everyone else, you will always have my love and I will always feel the pain of it not being returned.

    I hear the birds singing now. I am on my feet walking into my day. Yes, my Darling, it isn’t easy. Sometimes I fall down. But, I am on my feet.

    Overcoming….

    It’s called a practice

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